Often, I find myself contemplating how power dynamics work in intimate relationships. And before anyone says “a conversation on power dynamics isn’t applicable to MY relationship,” you’re mislead. There ALWAYS are power dynamics in every relationship, whether it be physical stature, money, sexuality, gender, race, or any other inequality. It’s simply a matter of how people tread those waters and handle them. I had the pleasure of sitting in on a domestic violence panel Tuesday evening at New York University. One of the panelists stressed the importance of how we engage with power and exercise it in intimate spaces. As he touched on his personal experiences witnessing physical and emotional abuse, I reflected on a past relationship that held some intense power conflicts. To give you the spark notes version, my ex conveyed that he felt threatened by my ambition and capacity for success. Recognizing that heterosexual relationships remain a breeding ground for patriarchy, I try to temper my sensitivity toward “emasculating” my partners with my aspirations. Often, I want someone with whom to share my ambitions.  I can’t have a man’s ego, insecurity, or self-esteem impacted by my ascent. Just like I support you in your endeavors, I need you to support me.

As this power/ego issue remains a pathway to abuse, another panelist incorporated discussions on individual self-esteem and reflected on the career power dynamics in her past abusive relationship (she had accomplished more professionally than he had). When it comes to romantic relationships, it’s so important to observe how power works between the partners involved at all times. We need to do more listening when it comes to identifying our partner’s insecurities. Communication is a great tool for observing potential power conflicts in relationships and perhaps, even preventing an abusive relationship (read: stoping it before it gets there).  Often, your partner will tell you, even in the most subtle way, what they’re insecure about with you. When my ex hinted that my accomplishments made him feel insecure, I asked him if I personally made him feel insecure. He replied no and actually felt that I was conscious about it being an issue, but he didn’t think he could be in a long term relationship with anyone that could potentially “out shine” him (and yes, he admitted that his sentiments were socially wrong, but it was just the way he felt). Thus, my lesson was that you can’t fix everything or every relationship. And I got out while the getting was good.

This is not to say that my ex would have physically assaulted me or that there is a special formula to preventing a bad or potentially abusive relationship, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

But I have to wonder how a woman’s success and ambition remain a catalyst (tied to other issues) for domestic violence? Is it pure patriarchy? Or is there something emotionally unsettling about a woman that could potentially “out shine” a man professionally?

Just something that crossed my mind as we close out Domestic Violence Month…any thoughts?

This year some prominent, beautiful women have bared it all. No, they’re not adult entertainers, they’re simply ordinary…regular (though famous) women who want to share there bodies with the world. It takes a lot of self-confidence for anyone to strut au-natural. I love my body, but I would even say that I’m not there yet. Arguably, society has deemed the women below as having “great” figures. Yet each of them have discussed their personal hang ups with having seemingly “perfect” bodies. It is those revelations, coupled with the action, that make me truly admire them for sharing their bodies with the public. As a result, they have empowered more women that may be struggling with their body image.

Last summer, Jada Pinkett-Smith posed nude on the cover of Essence to teach her young daughter the importance of loving her body. In a feature interview, Jada described her hang ups with her own fit body, often feeling too skinny or not thick enough for being a black woman. As she discussed her weight struggles, I had to believe that some young (or older) woman out there reading Essence benefited from her story. And then to see her posing nude, embracing her body, she conveyed that it’s okay to have your hang ups but don’t let it knock your confidence. I appreciate Jada for her story.

Secondly, there’s Serena Williams, who graced the cover of ESPN magazine showing almost all of her beautiful, chocolate brown body. As a woman who society often describes as fit but masculine, Serena’s struggle with loving her body is another inspiration to women. I wrote a piece about female masculinity, which garnered a lot of attention and ended up being reprinted in a few publications. Often, masculine women are robbed of their confidence due to social expectations of gender. Serena posing nude exemplifies that it’s okay to be muscular and flaunt traditionally “masculine” features as a proud aspect of womanhood. Yes, women can embrace that and should revel in their sexiness. I appreciate Serena for sharing her story.

And then, there’s Kim Kardashian. Yes, Kim. When I saw her completely nude spread in W magazine, I had to confess that I was surprised that she’d do something so bold. For one, they went light on the airbrushing and allowed you to see many of her crevices, truly giving the public a real glimpse into her shape. Kim is a curvy woman, more voluptuous than I had originally thought. Thus, I’m so thankful for her showing us her naked self. Somewhere, a young woman who’s not a size 4 or 6, got to see a woman openly and proudly sharing her entire body: breasts, booty and all.

It is so important for women not to be ashamed about their bodies, whether they’re ever bold enough to do a nude photo spread or simply want to strut in their private space. Nudity is an inherent part of sexuality, one that I hope to explore in a future project to empower more women to embrace their figures. I love the Dove “real beauty” campaigns and even indie projects like Pangea’s Garden that empower women to love their bodies and nude selves. Nakedness is how we came into this world and it’s time that we appreciate our beautiful bareness.

It’s been a lonnnggg time coming! ::cue Sam Cooke::

The Bi-deology Project: Part 2 officially has been released with new interviews and more revelations from straight women dating bisexual men. Just to give a little teaser: think gender roles, definitions of masculinity, debunking stereotypes, and other confessions of the curious imagination.

We need your help to get the word out.

1. Share the video on your blog (do a post on what’s your opinion on the topic), tweet about it on Twitter, send it out as an email to your friends, and/or post it to your Facebook profile. (After the video finishes, the various share options are available for your choosing).

2. If you haven’t joined our Facebook fan page, click here to do so and definitely invite all of your friends!

3. Follow our director on Twitter to get updates on when Part Three will be released and future episode themes

We’re excited to reignite this unique conversation surrounding heterosexual relationships.

Happy Viewing,

The Bi-deology Project Production Team

No Wedding, No Womb? You mean No Heterosexual Wedding, No Womb.

I challenged NWNW founder Christelyn Karazin on this very issue when she asked me to pen something for her online social blitzkrieg. Indeed, she may have never considered it, but how can lesbian and gay couples be asked to marry for their children’s sake, when same-sex marriage is illegal in the majority of the United States.

No Wedding, No Womb my ass.

Christelyn, being an awesome listener and open thinker, heard my concerns about this wedlock movement being too heteronormative. She encouraged me to write a piece on queer parents and how commitment could serve their children much better.

More and more same-sex couples are adopting and having children without being married. It’s truly not their fault, but it is important that we stress the importance of committed relationships for the welfare of children. It has been proven time and time again that children need stability and preferably two married parents. While we wait for the rest of the country to adjust their ignorance and remove discriminatory regulations against same-sex marriage, I encourage queer parents to make the effort to stay together if they’re going to bring children into their family. Once the laws are repealed, I hope they join the NWNW movement, marry, and set an example for their children. In the meantime, there’s also an option for a civil union even though I recognize it’s not the same. I encourage you to continue fighting for equal marriage opportunity and not settle for the common prejudicial argument for “separate but equal.”

My ancestors, primarily slaves, had a similar issue with this government. For centuries, they were not allowed to marry or protect their families. Yet, once the laws were repealed, they ran to find their love ones and tie the knot. They recognized the importance of legal and spiritual commitment to love for the benefit of their families and the community. I encourage same-sex couples to follow suit, even if you’ve lived so long without proper marital recognition.

While NWNW preaches marriage as the ideal for all couples, the core of the messaging lays in preserving commitment and respect within relationships. Additionally, the hub of NWNW doesn’t simply apply to unmarried persons; it should also encourage people to work within their marriages to drop these skyrocketing divorce rates. There’s no point in encouraging people to marry before having children, if they’re just going to divorce soon after. Be committed to each other, your children, and building a cohesive family.

I recognize that not all parents will stay together. Life happens, but we should all make the extra effort to try and stay committed for the welfare and strength of future generations. That being said, no one or two parents can teach it all. Children need to feel the influence of various role models, across different gender spectrums, in order for them to grow into respectful, tolerant, and productive citizens. Boys need men, women, and transgender people as examples. The same rule applies for girls. If our children are to understand the complexities of the world, we must teach them and provide examples.  Young girls especially need numerous female role models, in the same way young boys need multiple male examples. Heterosexual and homosexual parents cannot teach it all.

Make the best of your relationship, parenting, and children. Put forward the extra effort for our kids. Don’t just stay committed, but expose them to knowledge on the rest of the world.

Don’t take this movement at the surface, explore the deeper concepts. No Wedding No Womb is better for the future and creating a stronger community.

Check out more weigh ins on No Wedding No Womb here.

(Editor’s Note: I wrote a follow up piece to this one published at Clutch Magazine analyzing the entire #NWNW movement. Feel free to read it here)

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing these last few weeks on my usual topics. I guess it makes a difference when you know you’re writing for an audience versus simply for yourself. I’ve been privileged to have my piece on Female Masculinity published by two major online platforms, Clutch Magazine and Carnal Nation. Both very different in audience, yet appreciative of my provocative style of thinking and rants on gender. If you haven’t read my piece yet, give it some love and drop some comments on both sites. Thanks for being dedicated thinkers and readers!

On female masculinity…

When I declare, “I am a beautiful woman,” what image comes to mind? Am I smoothly brown-skinned with a figure 8 frame? Am I thin with a flat stomach? Am I stunning with some extra curves?

What about if I have arms of Kobe Bryant? Or the legs of Usain Bolt? Can I have the jaw line of Barack Obama?

Would I be “woman” enough for you? Perhaps, you wouldn’t call me a woman at all. You’re not alone and I’m not pointing the finger. Womanhood and femininity remain inextricably intertwined causing female masculinity to be outside the norm. Thus, your visual discomfort is expected.

The truth is that I don’t have the characteristics of Bryant, Bolt, or Obama. I probably look like your stereotypical image of a “beautiful” Black woman (with a crazy afro); however, I know women who look the opposite. The need to redefine beauty standards and womanhood goes beyond “liberal” ideology and discussion. It’s about women’s empowerment, self-confidence, and inclusion. It’s about recognizing that not all women, even if solely a minority, have to look like each other. It’s bigger than the discourse of body image and weight in popular culture. This is the need to confront the taboo of female masculinity and pay homage to all the women who have lived outside the standard of beauty for too long. In fact, we should chuck the standard all together.

Read the rest on Carnal Nation and Clutch Magazine

For those of you who aren’t aware, I’m the Sexuality Editor for Zora-Alice.com, a new website for young black women. I took on the position (without pay) because it was important for me to help create a space for young black women that wasn’t completely heteronormative or neglectful to women who don’t fit the “traditional” mold. That being said, when I originally heard about Montana Fishburne’s (Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter) entrance into the adult film industry, I actually was excited to hear what prompted it…from HER! Then I saw the video interview with Brian Pumper (I guess he’s her manager?…confused) and a shy, fidgety Montana who barely got a word in. Smells like pimp juice to me!

I decided to write an article for Zora&Alice analyzing women, sex work, the porn industry, and capitalism. It’ll be yummy for all you sex positive feminists and disturbing for you anti-porn ones. Female sexuality is too complex to be boxed up into stereotypical roles and the truth is that sex work is a career CHOICE for many women. It’s not always about socioeconomic constraints….especially when your dad is a well-respected actor.

Here’s a snippet of the article, but definitely read the entire thing on Zora&Alice. I want everyone to drop comments on the site and watch the video (I embedded it in my piece). I think that this is an important conversation for us to have as women, not as judges.

I am not an anti-porn feminist. I am sex-positive, extremely outspoken, and enjoy tackling issues of gender & sexuality on the web and in the classroom. I’d like to have an honest conversation about an interview that I saw with Montana Fishburne (Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter) and Brian Pumper announcing her new porn star career. When I heard about the interview, I happened to be driving and actually was looking forward to hearing what the young woman had to say. Unlike most, I actually consider sex work a career and believe that women should have the agency to choose it without nose-snubbing judgment. Many women, not “victims,” pursue these careers and that’s their prerogative. It’s not mine or your body, so get over it!

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Now that everyone is clear on my intellectual stance, the real reason that I want to discuss this interview is because Brian Pumper’s voice impersonation of female porn stars and clear domination over Montana made me want to vomit. It’s one thing for Montana to announce her entry into porn, her love for sex, and enjoyment in performing it. However, anyone who watches the video clearly can see that’s not the case. In fact, I didn’t see the point of Brian Pumper being in it at all. It gave me a creepy, pimp feel when he was talking about the porn videos that he directed and the “compliments” that he gave female porn stars when they “performed” well. In his best female voice, he mocks some of these women’s responses, making them seem extremely shy, weak, and flattered by his praise. Even when he describes the sex, both oral and intercourse, he discusses these women almost like they’re beastly animals.

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Continue reading on Zora&Alice