I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a book now for at least two years. I have so many experiences that I want to reflect on for self-indulgent purposes, as these two decades of life have gone by warp speed. Other than my consistent clear vision of being a writer since I was five years old, I’ve known for quite some time that writing would be a large part of my journey through life.

Recently, I had a beautiful dinner with Twanna Hines, the blogger behind Funky Brown Chick and soon-to-be published memoirist herself. Not only do I admire her work and brand but also Twanna has become like an older sister and mentor to me. Before I even had a blog or semi-cool freelancing name, she agreed to be in my documentary, The Bi-deology Project, off a pure groupie-like email in which I begged her to do so. Yet, most admirably, she has shared with me her life over a few dinners and truly been an advocate for my work as our friendship progressed. I asked Twanna how she managed to pen a near 300-page memoir on purely self-motivation. She replied that she took out all her journals and made an outline of some of the most important events in her life. Then she proceeded to break those events down into chapters and started writing one by one.

I figured that I would do the same exercise and share it with you! After all, I’m still in awe that I have approximately 1200 readers every month and growing. I barely had 200 at the beginning of the summer.

So here’s my chapter outline… Tell me which ones resonate with you most! (Sorry, it’s a bit long! But I promise it’s worth it)

Potty Seat Tunes: Heart Melodies From My Mother On Truth and Breast Cancer

Snapshot: Only the people closest to me know that my mother died of breast cancer when I was 3 years old. Since I was so young, most people would assume that I wouldn’t remember her, but I do…vividly. We used to talk while I was potty training on the downstairs toilet. I’d be dressed in some crazy early 90s outfit, red firefighter hat, plastic turquoise star glasses, jogging suit purple pants hanging at my ankles with my feet unable to touch the bathroom floor. She used to always tell me why it was important to tell the truth and never lie, amongst other life lessons that she instilled in my young mind. As a tribute to her, I’d be remised if I didn’t share the pieces of our conversations that still run in my memory. I couldn’t think of a better way to open my memoir.

Half Circle Driveways: Living in a White House and Understanding the Bourgeois

Snapshot: I grew up middle class, very privileged, and living in a house overflowing with issues. During the majority of my childhood, my immediate family experienced an abundance of financial blessings, yet the emotional trauma stemming from my mother’s unexpected death seeped into my “second” family (my stepmother, stepbrother, and new baby sister). My father never emotionally recovered from losing his wife (how can anyone?) but he made a decision, one that I would later deem selfless yet wrong, to remarry as soon as possible to give me a mother and dominant female figure in my life. Needless to say, when one person is emotionally unavailable in a marriage, numerous obstacles begin to surface. Our beautiful colonial style house became the cloak for many issues, including power struggles, status, and appearances. My father and stepmother were good parents, but they were human. And I later came to realize that our race, as African-Americans, and class, grouping us a step down from wealthy, played out in those struggles. Not everything is pristine as a front lawn.

Wild Child Freshman Ways: A Sexual Evolution and New York City

Snapshot: I’ve been dubbed the wild child of my family. I was the first to refuse to attend Spelman College (or Morehouse for the men) and enrolled in NYU with $15,000 worth of scholarship money raised and a partial university academic scholarship. Lord knows I had no idea how I was going to pay my tuition after the first year. My father disowned me for my university choice, my grandmother and stepmother pitched in for my second and third semester of college, and by my fourth, my accomplished godmother (and biological mother’s bestfriend) caught wind that I was struggling through my tuition payments and took care of my fifth and sixth semesters. I managed to graduate in 3 years (six semesters). Living in New York was something like an awakening. I had just broken up with my high school sweetheart of 3 years because he took another girl to his prom, and after being sexually active, I found that I had “needs” that had nothing to do with loving him. So I went sex “crazy,” I won’t give you a count, but I had a lot of protected, safe “fun” my first year of college. After that, I calmed down significantly, but found myself conversing with people of all races and sexual orientations, which shook up a lot of my ideological views. NYU truly became a mind evolution in addition to a sexual one. The stories that I have from my university experience are nothing short of remarkable.

Bridging My American Self With London: British Students and Classroom Social Activism

Snapshot: I always was aware that the African Diaspora led to black people living in various countries across the globe. However, being in London for a semester and attending the University of London School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS), gave me the pleasure of meeting talented, insightful black British students that re-inspired my activism back home. Unbeknownst to many, I used to be heavily active with the NAACP during my high school years, but felt dismayed by the organization’s structure and contemporary relevance. Not to mention, my experience in London had me face, for the first time, my American privilege, as many black British students were extremely critical of the United States for its international dealings. I was conscious of a lot of these dealings, but there is nothing like having it vocally thrown at you to digest. I swallowed it and returned home more knowledgeable than ever.

Drowning in Sevilla’s Rio: The Art of Breathing Underwater

Snapshot: Okay, I didn’t really drown; rather I submersed myself in a different culture than I would’ve ever encountered living in the United States. I learned to “live” during my six months in Sevilla, Spain, a little town on a beautiful river with ancient Islamic and Spanish architecture. I barely had internet access, thus inspiring me to write and read all the time. I only had class two days a week (or rather only went to class two out of the three scheduled days a week) and soaked up the entire country’s ritual of afternoon siestas. Sevilla is the reason that I abhor 9-5’s and American standards of work. It is the reason why being an author likely will be my final career, so that I can live and be comfortable in whatever country my family and I choose.

Return to Reality: Loving a Bisexual Man and Grappling With My Dishonesty

It’s no secret that I fell in love with a bisexual man. You can see my documentary, The Bi-deology Project, and Director’s note to get the story. What I haven’t fully revealed are the intricacies in that journey…why I fell in love, what it was like being in love, why I couldn’t even comprehend a bisexual man loving a woman, and the failure for the two of us to comprehend what really was going on between us. That experience shot me so deep into myself that I was scared I wouldn’t come out smiling ever again. I wrote my senior thesis on this man because I couldn’t get him off my mind. I made a documentary series out of the conversations that I initiated with women to get some answers because my heart couldn’t face my own biases and prejudices toward bisexuality. And consequently, I grew and blossomed into a thinker and better woman. Many people ask if he and I are still in contact and the answer is no. But I know him, probably too well, and I know he reads this blog and keeps up with my work. We probably won’t see each other again for many years. And I’m fine with that. Wounds need time to heal and I wouldn’t want to rip open a scar that I had to sew up, along with the love from friends, family, and men who came after him.

Scarred: Trust Issues, Men, and Finding Love

I can’t say that I’ve “fallen” in love since my “bisexual man,” but I will admit that I’m getting there. This chapter still is unfolding, as I have someone new in my life that’s added bits of pleasure, craziness, and commitment to my life. He has taught me so much without realizing it, and those are the best lessons. I’ve learned to take extra time and have patience for things to unfold. It’s been both challenging and incredible. Yet, I truly hope that this is just the beginning. If this chapter doesn’t make it into the book, don’t be upset. Should we stay together, I’d only publish it with his blessing. Otherwise, it’ll simply stay woven with strips of imagination and reality, somewhere up in my brain.

Hearing My Beat: Pens, Art, and Social Discourse

As I reveal the depth of my experiences, I want this last chapter to truly dive into why my life has served as a catalyst for tackling issues of sexuality, race, and class. I will expose my experiences throughout the entire book, yet this last piece likely will sum everything up and hopefully leave people with a beautiful idea of who I am as a woman.

That’s what I have so far folks and I declare that I will finish my book manuscript in 2011.

One thing though, I need you to hold me accountable for finishing this book. I need you all to pry, ask, annoy, and help me keep the pressure on myself. I’d appreciate this more than words could ever express and I’ll be sure to give y’all a ton of love in the acknowledgements page. I consider many of you my online family, so thank you for your continued support and comments on my work!

Ok, now tell me what chapters peak your interest the most! What do you think? And if you know anyone like you, pass this post on. I want to get as many perspectives as possible!

I find it so fascinating that American culture remains obsessed with the story of down low bisexual men “giving” straight women HIV. Between Oprah’s two down low men specials and Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls’ scene starring Janet Jackson, I almost climbed out a window and dangled myself in the face of death…after all when unmarried women sleep with ANY man unprotected, that’s essentially what they’re doing.

Before some of y’all get your panties up in a bunch, let me provide a disclaimer. On this blog, the only woman who gets a free pass from a lecture on unprotected sex is the married one. She can legally hold her husband accountable for his infidelity, unmarried women cannot. It is what it is, not what it should be. And I’m not here to debate the politics of marriage and commitment. More women are contracting HIV everyday, and we have filmmakers and major media personalities that are stuck on promoting unrealistic stereotypes.

As black women remain the highest demographic of new hiv diagnoses, it is so dangerous for media to constantly shift the responsibility off women to bisexual men. First off, where is the data that states bisexual men are the overwhelming cause of women getting HIV? Secondly, if 72% of black babies are being born out of wedlock, a ton of unmarried black women are having unprotected sex and, thus, risking their health for pleasure.

Tyler Perry’s scene is NOT the norm. Married black women remain such a small demographic of our community that even common sense should tell you this story is a minute fraction of reality. This is not to say that there haven’t been cases, but it’s rare.

As Pearl Cleage wrote in What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day, “I got HIV from fucking men.” For most women, that’s the reality. Sexual orientation is irrelevant. The truth is that unprotected sex feels good and better than protected sex, so let’s stop beating around the bush. And if women want to take the risk of engaging in that type of contact with their male partners, there is no one to blame but themselves. Wrap It Up or Shut Up. That’s my new campaign and I may actually launch it.

There’s something else that deeply disappointed me with Perry’s FCG scene. He had the opportunity to mainstream a nuanced discussion on male bisexuality in heterosexual relationships, and instead he fell into the stereotypical trap. I always ask women who complain about undercover bisexual men, are you prepared to listen and have discussions on male bisexuality within your heterosexual relationships? If he was upfront with you, how would you process or stereotype him? ::cue my documentary, The Bi-deology Project:: The overwhelming response is “HELL NO” or if the woman is more polite, “I’d be uncomfortable.” Of course, I ask why and the woman typically replies with a media stereotype ::cue Tyler Perry, Oprah, DL Hughley, Sherri Sheppard:: saying that bisexual men are more likely to transmit HIV and can’t be monogamous with women.

Wow…so now we’re in the business of telling people whether or not they practice safe sex, are STD free, and incapable of being monogamous…without even asking them or getting them tested? I wonder if people assume that every black woman they meet has HIV? After all, we are the number one growing demographic of new HIV cases…at least there’s been research that proves that.

I’m just saying, the longer we continue to base HIV contraction on stereotypes, the more we continue to shoot down the FACT that HIV doesn’t have a name or face. The longer we run from recognizing that not everyone that wants a heterosexual relationship has a purely heterosexual past, the longer honest conversations on sexuality will be oppressed and hidden. The longer we think that we can see these things coming, the more we will continue to sacrifice ourselves.

Someone please tell Mr. Perry to leave the conversations about sexuality to someone that has better intentions than melodrama. Yes, you can keep your script and your down low HIV man too.

I hope that this post, and other’s like it, will reach enough women and combat some of the small realities that he and countless others have managed to mainstream. We can and will do better.

Last week, I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Abiola Abrams on her Love, Sex & Dating (LSD) show. I remember being in high school and discovering Abiola’s profile on BlackPlanet.com (I know THROWBACK!!! lol). If her name and face look familiar, Abiola has been a media personality on BET, HBO, NBC…and (dare I say it on this blog) FOX! After watching some of her video segments, my immediate thought was “WOW! This chick has SO MUCH ENERGY!” In real life, I also have to confess that she was no different. She was a wonderful host alongside her producer Kristal. I truly had a blast and discussed topics, such as No Wedding No Womb and my documentary, The Bi-deology Project. Additionally, the show featured interviews with the phenomenal (this is an understatement) Journalist/Radio Host Farai Chideya and Singer/Artist Gilbere Forte. I’d encourage you all to watch the whole 1 hour episode, BUT since I know your time can be precious, if you only want to watch my interview, the time slot is 35:20 to 53:50. For those who tuned in to watch my appearance live, muchismas gracias! I appreciate everyone’s support. You inspire me! Special thanks to Twanna Hines of FunkyBrownChick.com, she’s featured in The Bi-deology Project and submitted my name to Abiola. More and more people find out about my work due to everyone’s support, so truly thank you and enjoy the show!

I had a very “interesting” interview last night with an Atlanta based radio show entitled the “Relationship Party,” hosted by Charmaine & Friends. After viewing my documentary series, The Bi-deology Project, which discusses straight women dating bisexual men, Charmaine asked me to be a guest on her show to convey my research, the inspiration behind the project, and thus, my views on sexuality. Of course, I expected this to be a primarily conservative audience in terms of sexuality. Yet, having my expectation (or stereotype) reconfirmed, was quite interesting. I was thankful that people were listening, even though it was clear that they weren’t “hearing” me. As I said on the show, sexuality is very complex: no sexual orientation categories are going to embody every person’s desires and actions. Until we start to recognize that “gay” and “straight” won’t define everyone, even adding “bisexual” still won’t account for every individual, the more misunderstandings, problems, and bad experiences, we will continue to have.

I’m going to let y’all listen to the show. I’m only on for the 1st hour because I had to return home to pack for my trip to Chicago. I know an hour is long for most of us with limited attention spans lol, but I’d encourage you to listen to the full conversation and especially after I got off air….the comments that came in about me once I wasn’t there to speak were….well to put it in a classy way lol…were borderline disrespectful. Nevertheless, it’s nothing that I haven’t experienced as a sexuality writer, filmmaker, and above all thinker. The overwhelmingly positive response that I’ve gotten from the documentary series always inspires me to continue my work.

Just to give y’all a recap of what we discussed and some of the comments

According to the co-host Rod & 1st audience caller, if a man sleeps with a man, he’s gay (and same for a woman sleeping with a woman) and there are only two categories of sexual orientation “gay” or “straight”, anything else is “denial.”

According to Charmaine, the main host, WebMD.com did an article pulling research from the CDC that confirmed that heterosexual women were significantly receiving HIV/AIDS from men engaging in bisexual activity. (I have YET to encounter this claim (and stereotype) in my research. From my research with the CDC, they have yet to announce that this is a leading demographic giving HIV/AIDS to heterosexual women…but if anyone has something else on record from the CDC, please drop it in the comment section)

Charmaine also concluded from her above “research” that straight men may have to worry now that some straight women are willing to sleep with bisexual men. *serious face*

Rod, the co-host, and the 1st audience caller, also believes that men and women engaging in homosexual acts should be defined as “gay” because according to Webster’s dictionary that’s what they are. *straight face*

Additionally, Charmaine said that her self-identified gay male friends said that sex is different between men and women. Thus, she asked me if it was truly plausible for a bisexual man to be satisfied in a relationship, and she concluded that because the sex is different that this is a valid concern for straight women.

There were MANY stereotypes and questions about bisexual people that surfaced during my interview. I believe I answered everything concretely while I was on air, after I left, there’s only but so much I can do without a mic.

Feel free to drop a comment below on what you thought of the show. If you feel so compelled to address Charmaine and Rod yourself, you can contact them here.

I once heard that love is simple. You care for someone, you’re willing to sacrifice life for them, and if they love you in return you’ll never have to. I am learning to love myself and in the process I am going insane.

They don’t teach you to love yourself when you’re young. Everything else comes first: family, school, society, honor, etc. All of these things are important, but if you don’t have a solid foundation in “you” then havoc will wreak later.

It didn’t hit me until my late teenage years that I had been playing Jinga on a weak foundation my entire life. Someone else had to tell me to search. I didn’t know myself, my voice, my desires, or truly my strength. From the moment I met myself, I’ve walked alone; it’s been necessary to hear myself think. Outside energy can be a cloud around your inner thoughts. When you walk alone, you hear yourself on high volume speakers.

I am a loner but simultaneously, there are rare moment of bliss when certain individuals join me on my journey. Many can only bare to stick around for short periods of time since it is difficult to walk blindfolded. I don’t know where my road is taking me therefore I can’t tell you. Either you trust the path or you don’t. Most don’t. They turn around in the face of uncertainty and try a new path that seems more lit. I am walking on a road that’s mostly pitch black with few lights on the side. The darkness doesn’t matter to me though, so long as I can hear my voice. I have questions that need to be answered and can’t risk my core going mute. The entire experience of loving yourself is a process.

Who am I? What do I want to accomplish? How do I want to live? What means the most to me? What is essential? What can I purge or throw away?

There is no deadline to the answers. They come when they’re supposed to and can change in a moment’s instant. The key is living in the moment; there is no need to see the entire path when you have an internal guide. I live on my own voice and its rather nice I might add.

Am I sounding crazy yet? Yes? Good.

While we’re on that question, I’ve been thinking about insanity. I’m reading Paulo Coelho’s novel, Veronika Decides to Die. The story is layered with several life lessons, but the main crux lays in the definition of “insanity.” The novel takes place in a mental hospital after the protagonist attempts to kill herself unsuccessfully in her home. Sounds depressing, but really it’s not. Through the plot, Coelho asks who is “insane?” When is it acceptable to act out of the ordinary? Why is it okay to live a routine life without breaking any ritual? Who sets these definitions for what is normal behavior? Why are the insane the only ones who break the rules? If the mental hospital is the only space where one can do or say whatever without being judged, imagine the type of creativity and self-exploration that breeds there.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Paulo Coelho, his parent’s locked him up in a mental asylum for wanting to be a writer. Can you blame them? I mean who signs up to take the risk of being poor the rest of their lives in exchange for penning beautiful words? People who believe writing is essential to their being gladly take the risk. I am insane, I gladly accept it. Writing remains a first priority in my life because it is essential to loving me. There is no “sensible” reason why and I don’t feel the need to create one. It simply is what it is. The more that I accept it, the closer I am to liberation.

Self-love is essential. My voice is essential. Doing “good” is essential. For that, my brain is unlike the majority. I am indeed insane and hope to continue living this way for many, many years.

My legacy is self-love. Kiss your reflection the next time you look in the mirror. It may remind you why you’re on this earth in the first place.

For those of you who aren’t aware, I’m the Sexuality Editor for Zora-Alice.com, a new website for young black women. I took on the position (without pay) because it was important for me to help create a space for young black women that wasn’t completely heteronormative or neglectful to women who don’t fit the “traditional” mold. That being said, when I originally heard about Montana Fishburne’s (Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter) entrance into the adult film industry, I actually was excited to hear what prompted it…from HER! Then I saw the video interview with Brian Pumper (I guess he’s her manager?…confused) and a shy, fidgety Montana who barely got a word in. Smells like pimp juice to me!

I decided to write an article for Zora&Alice analyzing women, sex work, the porn industry, and capitalism. It’ll be yummy for all you sex positive feminists and disturbing for you anti-porn ones. Female sexuality is too complex to be boxed up into stereotypical roles and the truth is that sex work is a career CHOICE for many women. It’s not always about socioeconomic constraints….especially when your dad is a well-respected actor.

Here’s a snippet of the article, but definitely read the entire thing on Zora&Alice. I want everyone to drop comments on the site and watch the video (I embedded it in my piece). I think that this is an important conversation for us to have as women, not as judges.

I am not an anti-porn feminist. I am sex-positive, extremely outspoken, and enjoy tackling issues of gender & sexuality on the web and in the classroom. I’d like to have an honest conversation about an interview that I saw with Montana Fishburne (Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter) and Brian Pumper announcing her new porn star career. When I heard about the interview, I happened to be driving and actually was looking forward to hearing what the young woman had to say. Unlike most, I actually consider sex work a career and believe that women should have the agency to choose it without nose-snubbing judgment. Many women, not “victims,” pursue these careers and that’s their prerogative. It’s not mine or your body, so get over it!

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Now that everyone is clear on my intellectual stance, the real reason that I want to discuss this interview is because Brian Pumper’s voice impersonation of female porn stars and clear domination over Montana made me want to vomit. It’s one thing for Montana to announce her entry into porn, her love for sex, and enjoyment in performing it. However, anyone who watches the video clearly can see that’s not the case. In fact, I didn’t see the point of Brian Pumper being in it at all. It gave me a creepy, pimp feel when he was talking about the porn videos that he directed and the “compliments” that he gave female porn stars when they “performed” well. In his best female voice, he mocks some of these women’s responses, making them seem extremely shy, weak, and flattered by his praise. Even when he describes the sex, both oral and intercourse, he discusses these women almost like they’re beastly animals.

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Continue reading on Zora&Alice