I expect 2011 to be nothing short of amazement and greatness. I’m already in activation mode to relaunch the Ask Arielle Loren series, but this time I’ll be answering your anonymous sexuality questions via formspring through video talks on my YouTube channel! In the meantime, I figured that I would drop 7 Sexuality Resolutions for 2011. As I look forward to bringing more discussions on sexuality to the forefront, we should all create more space for conversation, knowledge, and new experiences in our lives. Let’s get started.

In 2011, you will….

1. Refuse to ignore your curiosities and urges. If something’s on your brain in regards to sexuality, you will ask, research, and discuss it openly. Growth does not come through silence!

2. Find like-minded individuals that advocate for your sexual growth. We need to start building stronger communities for open discussions on sexuality. I’ve truly enjoyed talking with all of you over the last year. It’s helped me grow intellectually and personally. Thank you for sharing yourselves and I hope that we can bring more people into our conversations!

3. Be up front with your partner(s) about what you want. Suppression and dishonesty do not work well in any type of friendship or relationship. Not only should we be seeking communities that advocate sexuality discourse but also we should have these conversations at “home.” Talk to your partner(s) about what you like, want to explore, or just your general thoughts. It’ll either make your relationship stronger or maybe you’ll realize it needs some real work!

4. Discuss sexuality frequently, not simply when in crisis. Sexuality shouldn’t just be something to discuss when we read a disturbing research report, learn of a sexual crime, or if someone asks our advice. Initiate conversations. Talk to your friends, families, and perhaps, even strangers (I’m serious). You never know what people are going through. Your vocal “bravery” could address something that they’re scared to bring up themselves.

5. Stop being ashamed. There is nothing under the sexual sun that has not been done or discussed. If we don’t bring sexuality discourse to the forefront as a collective of people who truly care, who will? Again, what you say, someone else likely was thinking. Be the first to initiate or at the very least, chime in when you hear a conversation already going. The more voices, the better.

6. Read. Find great sexuality writers like Lidia-Anain, Twanna Hines, and Dante, so you can talk sexuality in a variety of spaces. This is another way to find like-minded individuals to advocate for your sexual growth, as mentioned above.

7. Push yourself as far as you want to be pushed. Try new things but take baby steps if necessary. I recognize that everyone has their boundaries within the realm of sexuality. Cool. If you’re not ready to try dominatrix, polyamory, swinging, or another sexual practice, it’s not a requirement to become a sex-positive, open sexuality advocate. However, if you’re curious about those things, try them! Sign up for a class or connect with someone in the community (see #6 for a roadmap). If not, sit back and learn something by reading or listening to discussions on those communities. We can all learn from each other and who knows, perhaps our hesitancy to try was routed in fear and misunderstanding.

**Bonus** Resolution (but likely one of the most important)- HEALTH! Get tested. Go to the doctor. Protect Yourself. Be Smart. I wrote a piece this week for Clutch Magazine on condoms and STD tests and Part 2 will cover birth control next week, so stay tuned! (thanks to Kamasi for reminding me to add this bonus!)

I’m going to stop there. Seven is my favorite number, but I’m sure there are more resolutions to be added. Feel free to drop me yours in the comments. Happy Holidays and New Year everyone. xoxoxo

I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a book now for at least two years. I have so many experiences that I want to reflect on for self-indulgent purposes, as these two decades of life have gone by warp speed. Other than my consistent clear vision of being a writer since I was five years old, I’ve known for quite some time that writing would be a large part of my journey through life.

Recently, I had a beautiful dinner with Twanna Hines, the blogger behind Funky Brown Chick and soon-to-be published memoirist herself. Not only do I admire her work and brand but also Twanna has become like an older sister and mentor to me. Before I even had a blog or semi-cool freelancing name, she agreed to be in my documentary, The Bi-deology Project, off a pure groupie-like email in which I begged her to do so. Yet, most admirably, she has shared with me her life over a few dinners and truly been an advocate for my work as our friendship progressed. I asked Twanna how she managed to pen a near 300-page memoir on purely self-motivation. She replied that she took out all her journals and made an outline of some of the most important events in her life. Then she proceeded to break those events down into chapters and started writing one by one.

I figured that I would do the same exercise and share it with you! After all, I’m still in awe that I have approximately 1200 readers every month and growing. I barely had 200 at the beginning of the summer.

So here’s my chapter outline… Tell me which ones resonate with you most! (Sorry, it’s a bit long! But I promise it’s worth it)

Potty Seat Tunes: Heart Melodies From My Mother On Truth and Breast Cancer

Snapshot: Only the people closest to me know that my mother died of breast cancer when I was 3 years old. Since I was so young, most people would assume that I wouldn’t remember her, but I do…vividly. We used to talk while I was potty training on the downstairs toilet. I’d be dressed in some crazy early 90s outfit, red firefighter hat, plastic turquoise star glasses, jogging suit purple pants hanging at my ankles with my feet unable to touch the bathroom floor. She used to always tell me why it was important to tell the truth and never lie, amongst other life lessons that she instilled in my young mind. As a tribute to her, I’d be remised if I didn’t share the pieces of our conversations that still run in my memory. I couldn’t think of a better way to open my memoir.

Half Circle Driveways: Living in a White House and Understanding the Bourgeois

Snapshot: I grew up middle class, very privileged, and living in a house overflowing with issues. During the majority of my childhood, my immediate family experienced an abundance of financial blessings, yet the emotional trauma stemming from my mother’s unexpected death seeped into my “second” family (my stepmother, stepbrother, and new baby sister). My father never emotionally recovered from losing his wife (how can anyone?) but he made a decision, one that I would later deem selfless yet wrong, to remarry as soon as possible to give me a mother and dominant female figure in my life. Needless to say, when one person is emotionally unavailable in a marriage, numerous obstacles begin to surface. Our beautiful colonial style house became the cloak for many issues, including power struggles, status, and appearances. My father and stepmother were good parents, but they were human. And I later came to realize that our race, as African-Americans, and class, grouping us a step down from wealthy, played out in those struggles. Not everything is pristine as a front lawn.

Wild Child Freshman Ways: A Sexual Evolution and New York City

Snapshot: I’ve been dubbed the wild child of my family. I was the first to refuse to attend Spelman College (or Morehouse for the men) and enrolled in NYU with $15,000 worth of scholarship money raised and a partial university academic scholarship. Lord knows I had no idea how I was going to pay my tuition after the first year. My father disowned me for my university choice, my grandmother and stepmother pitched in for my second and third semester of college, and by my fourth, my accomplished godmother (and biological mother’s bestfriend) caught wind that I was struggling through my tuition payments and took care of my fifth and sixth semesters. I managed to graduate in 3 years (six semesters). Living in New York was something like an awakening. I had just broken up with my high school sweetheart of 3 years because he took another girl to his prom, and after being sexually active, I found that I had “needs” that had nothing to do with loving him. So I went sex “crazy,” I won’t give you a count, but I had a lot of protected, safe “fun” my first year of college. After that, I calmed down significantly, but found myself conversing with people of all races and sexual orientations, which shook up a lot of my ideological views. NYU truly became a mind evolution in addition to a sexual one. The stories that I have from my university experience are nothing short of remarkable.

Bridging My American Self With London: British Students and Classroom Social Activism

Snapshot: I always was aware that the African Diaspora led to black people living in various countries across the globe. However, being in London for a semester and attending the University of London School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS), gave me the pleasure of meeting talented, insightful black British students that re-inspired my activism back home. Unbeknownst to many, I used to be heavily active with the NAACP during my high school years, but felt dismayed by the organization’s structure and contemporary relevance. Not to mention, my experience in London had me face, for the first time, my American privilege, as many black British students were extremely critical of the United States for its international dealings. I was conscious of a lot of these dealings, but there is nothing like having it vocally thrown at you to digest. I swallowed it and returned home more knowledgeable than ever.

Drowning in Sevilla’s Rio: The Art of Breathing Underwater

Snapshot: Okay, I didn’t really drown; rather I submersed myself in a different culture than I would’ve ever encountered living in the United States. I learned to “live” during my six months in Sevilla, Spain, a little town on a beautiful river with ancient Islamic and Spanish architecture. I barely had internet access, thus inspiring me to write and read all the time. I only had class two days a week (or rather only went to class two out of the three scheduled days a week) and soaked up the entire country’s ritual of afternoon siestas. Sevilla is the reason that I abhor 9-5’s and American standards of work. It is the reason why being an author likely will be my final career, so that I can live and be comfortable in whatever country my family and I choose.

Return to Reality: Loving a Bisexual Man and Grappling With My Dishonesty

It’s no secret that I fell in love with a bisexual man. You can see my documentary, The Bi-deology Project, and Director’s note to get the story. What I haven’t fully revealed are the intricacies in that journey…why I fell in love, what it was like being in love, why I couldn’t even comprehend a bisexual man loving a woman, and the failure for the two of us to comprehend what really was going on between us. That experience shot me so deep into myself that I was scared I wouldn’t come out smiling ever again. I wrote my senior thesis on this man because I couldn’t get him off my mind. I made a documentary series out of the conversations that I initiated with women to get some answers because my heart couldn’t face my own biases and prejudices toward bisexuality. And consequently, I grew and blossomed into a thinker and better woman. Many people ask if he and I are still in contact and the answer is no. But I know him, probably too well, and I know he reads this blog and keeps up with my work. We probably won’t see each other again for many years. And I’m fine with that. Wounds need time to heal and I wouldn’t want to rip open a scar that I had to sew up, along with the love from friends, family, and men who came after him.

Scarred: Trust Issues, Men, and Finding Love

I can’t say that I’ve “fallen” in love since my “bisexual man,” but I will admit that I’m getting there. This chapter still is unfolding, as I have someone new in my life that’s added bits of pleasure, craziness, and commitment to my life. He has taught me so much without realizing it, and those are the best lessons. I’ve learned to take extra time and have patience for things to unfold. It’s been both challenging and incredible. Yet, I truly hope that this is just the beginning. If this chapter doesn’t make it into the book, don’t be upset. Should we stay together, I’d only publish it with his blessing. Otherwise, it’ll simply stay woven with strips of imagination and reality, somewhere up in my brain.

Hearing My Beat: Pens, Art, and Social Discourse

As I reveal the depth of my experiences, I want this last chapter to truly dive into why my life has served as a catalyst for tackling issues of sexuality, race, and class. I will expose my experiences throughout the entire book, yet this last piece likely will sum everything up and hopefully leave people with a beautiful idea of who I am as a woman.

That’s what I have so far folks and I declare that I will finish my book manuscript in 2011.

One thing though, I need you to hold me accountable for finishing this book. I need you all to pry, ask, annoy, and help me keep the pressure on myself. I’d appreciate this more than words could ever express and I’ll be sure to give y’all a ton of love in the acknowledgements page. I consider many of you my online family, so thank you for your continued support and comments on my work!

Ok, now tell me what chapters peak your interest the most! What do you think? And if you know anyone like you, pass this post on. I want to get as many perspectives as possible!

The suicide of Tyler Clementi, an ordinary kid, college student, and young member of the LGBT community, shook my week up tremendously, so much that I couldn’t even tweet or blog on the situation until I cleared my head. The tragic story goes: Clementi’s roommate (and his roommate’s friend) secretly broadcasted Clementi having sex with his male lover over Skype and Twitter. As a result of the humiliation and obvious “outing” of his homosexuality, Clementi ended his life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge, creating an international conversation about sexuality, privacy, and technology. It is not sufficient to say that this is a tragedy because indeed the actions of Clementi’s roommate and friend go beyond the moment of their “prank.”  Above everything, it is the insensitivity to Clementi’s sexuality, lifestyle, and reputation that hit me in the gut and caused me to ask the following:

Do onlookers to this tragedy really understand what happened, why it happened, and what we need to do on a long term trajectory to prevent incidents like this from occurring again?

For one, I cannot understand why LGBT issues truly aren’t a topic of discussion until adulthood. During high school, how many of young students are challenged on heteronormativity? Required to learn about sexualities outside of heterosexuality? Encouraged to change their ideological biases toward the LGBT community?

Moreover, what about the impact of these environments on LGBT youth? How do you deal with the constant rejection of your sexuality as valid? The atmosphere that often requires you hide it? The family that won’t acknowledge the way you love? Well, most of these young people struggle and don’t feel acceptance until later adult years, if ever. It’s NOT OKAY.

Let me paint a typical high school setting. As an LGBT student, you sit in a class about sex education, heterosexual sex education that is, year after year that doesn’t acknowledge the way you love. As a queer young man, you kiss your boyfriend in the school hallway, displaying the same affection as many young heterosexual couples, and, at the very least, you get stares, if not derogatory comments. Or even worse, you decide not to kiss your boyfriend or display any affection in fear of your high school community’s reaction. Young queer women go through similar dilemmas. It’s NOT OKAY.

In high school, I was one of those students who would stare, even if I never vocalized my discomfort with LGBT students. In my mind, LGBT students were abnormal, even though I befriended many of them and never said anything that revealed my prejudice. It wasn’t until I reached college that my beliefs were challenged and I was forced to acknowledge my ignorance. Perhaps, if I had been challenged earlier, my eyeballs would not have shot darts at queer students likely still coming into their homosexuality. It’s high school students like me, and worse, who remain ignorant and insensitive to our actions. It’s NOT OKAY.

When will this country’s education system and parents start debunking the prejudices of our children? While not every LGBT young person has the described challenges, it is fair to say that these students have a rougher experience of youth than most heterosexual young people. It is no wonder that the overwhelming majority of homeless youth in the U.S. are LGBT. Shocked? It’s a fact, look it up. If this doesn’t speak volumes about our society’s level of tolerance for homosexuality, I don’t know what else will.

We have to view this tragedy’s many layers as a reflection of who we are as a society. Like many heterosexual youth, Clementi’s perpetrators were not educated about the difficulties that face LGBT youth; thus, leading to their insensitivity. On the flip side, if Clementi had sex with a girl, it still would have been a horrid invasion of privacy. But, the contemporary LGBT struggle adds a significant layer, making it far worse, and a new question that this society has to ask itself. These students were wrong, but we foster and breed these types of kids. What are we going to do about it? All I can say is that I hope Tyler Clementi’s suicide will be a wake up call to students, administrators, faculty, and communities nationwide.

A very wise young woman gave me the title of this post while I was listening to the post-screening panel discussion of The Black Girl Project. She declared, “love is not an emotion, it’s a discipline.”

While the young woman was referring to romantic love, I’d like to remix the sentiment of the quote, so that it applies to my writing. I eat, breath, and sleep by the pen. It is the only activity that tugs on my heart and truly the only thing that I can see myself doing at 95 years old. Massaging words will never get old and constructing thought-provoking sentences remains my livelihood.

I’m not sure how I got to this place of writing particularly about gender & sexuality. I guess that I would blame it on going to the queerest university in the United States lol. While it did not teach me how to write, New York University made me the social thinker that I am.

That being said, this week’s hiatus of content on my blog is due to just that…thinking. After penning my second article for Clutch, its popularity must have gotten wind with one of the editors over at Carnal Nation. Not only did they ask to repost my piece on Female Masculinity, but they invited me to pen some original content for the site. As Carnal Nation pieces typically are longer than the standard 500-750 word blog post, it took tremendous time and effort for me to think through my intellectual argument and make it digestible. I finished my first piece tonight and I am excited to share it with you all to see your thoughts. Just to give a teaser, I titled the article Hip “Pop” is Drag: Butches, Femmes, & Homothugs (this title may be changed by the editors though, so don’t hold your breath lol). I essentially discussed popular stereotypes of homosexuality in hip “pop” (my name for this contemporary popular music that is so different from original hip hop). It was a tough intersectional argument, but I pray that I nailed it. I like to come out the womb kicking anytime I start writing for a new site.

I’ll be sure to post the article on my blog once it’s up. I suspect that it will be published sometime next week.

As I profess my love for writing, I need to do a better job at discplining myself to keep y’all updated through posting on my blog. I sometimes feel like there’s no point in writing unless I have something “deep” to say, but not everything has to be deep. Sometimes simple thoughts are enough

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support through the writing process. It has truly been a crazy two days.

xoxoxo

Arielle Loren

Sometimes the weekends are the best time to catch up on good sexuality reads. There were several articles that I enjoyed this week ranging from online dating research to a step by step manual for planning a threesome. Sharing is caring and I love my readers. I have to keep you in my mental loop!

Here is a list of my favorites for the week. Enjoy!

@OKCupid

The Biggest Lies in Online Dating

@funkybrownchick

How to Arrange A Threesome

In Case You Missed It: Strange Sex on TLC

@arielleloren

Pangea’s Garden: Black Women Nude. Empowered. Appreciated.*

*shameless self promotion lol